From the monthly archives:

November 2007

I have to keep this entry short as I have friends visiting.  I worked hard and kept very busy today.  I feel like my head is clearing up and it is getting easier to focus for short periods of time.  I still have a cold and sore throat, so feel slightly under the weather.     Each day I am sober, things will get cleared and brighter.    I am going to spend more time reading, learning, and maybe even blogging!

But I smoked today as well.   I got a little bit last night and smoked this evening while I cleaned, and before my friends arrived.  It felt great, no burnout, my head was clear for the rest of the night.   What a horrible thing.      Before I wrote this, I didn’t feel bad about it, but now that I see it on the page, it is really upsetting.  WTF am I doing if I want to quit that badly.   I can’t smoke just a little….its the addict in me.   I will dispose of the rest of the pot I have left. About $20 worth.  Sober Tomorrow!

Days Sober: 0

I have put a lot of time into this blog in the last week.  It is up and running now and developing nicely, even though the poll is still messed up.   Next week I promised myself not to drink or smoke.  It will be easier not to smoke if I am not in a drinking environment.   I will also not be exposed to as many regular smokers, thus will be able to avoid that temptation.  I am going to have to develop some resistance to social pressures, and will spend part of the next week investigating how.

Happy Weekend Everyone.

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Bad News, I smoked again today. In fact I am still a little stoned. I won’t be smoking Friday – Sunday as I have friends in town, so this should be a great way to get a couple of days under my belt.   Regardless I am not going to give up.  I am going to learn How to Quit Smoking Pot!

I will not be going out to any party spots or pubs next week. Every relapse I have had involves the party crowd and the pubs near my house. I know that if I stay away from them, I will have a much better week. I have been eating a lot better and my energy level has been improving despite the slip ups I have made this week. I finally finished my Why I Quit article. I keep reading this for motivation. One commentator, Cholo-Barco, has had some great insight on other reasons to quit. I will definitely be exploring and writing more about his ideas.

I am still fighting a sore throat, with a mild fever and headache. Weed is the wrong medicine for this type of sickness!

Days Sober 0

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DollarBillsThis is Part #4 of a 4 part series on my reason to quit smoking weed.

As seen in Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3, I believe that it is a great idea to create an inventory of all of the reasons that I want to quit smoking weed. This servers 2 purposes: To clarify the negative effects of marijuana addiction in my life, and to use as a reference guide when I crave smoking pot, and think about relapsing.
The Negative Effects of Marijuana on my Finances:

Cost of Marijuana: My previous post on How Much my Addiction to Pot Has Cost Me, shows how expensive this habit can become. Add it up for yourself, its amazing what happens when this goes unchecked in the long term.

Paying Bills: I forget to pay my bills on time, or even open them. I always leave my banking to the last possible moment. My cell phone frequently gets disconnected. In the past, I have had TV and Phone service disconnected. Not because I didn’t have the money, just I was stoned all the time and never thought of it.

Planning Ahead: I haven’t saved anything for a house. I don’t plan well or have a budget from month to month. I tend to live in the current moment, or just far enough ahead in the future when stoned. Being in the stoned bubble really blurs the ability to look into the future.

Incidental Expenses: I eat a lot of low nutrition, high cost foods when I smoke marijuana. After smoking pot, its common to get the munchies and eat fast food. Also, I am less motivated to make my own food, or even go the grocery store to get new food. When not smoking, I eat healthier and am more conscious of my food choices.

 See Also

How to Quit Smoking Marijuana

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Today was a pretty good day. I ended up having a puff, which is not good, but I have identified the pattern that leads to these relapses and will close off that opportunity. I have some friends coming in to town this weekend, so I will be busy with them and be able to get a couple of days under my belt.

Next week, I am not allowed to go and hang out at the local pub. I may extend this all the way through to Christmas. Each time I have messed up, it has been from meeting up with folks there. This is clearly an old habit and way of thinking that I need to change.

I did, however, sleep like a baby last night. In my first week, I went from smoking about 25 times to only 3. This is progress. Progress is all I am looking for, perfection comes later.

Days Sober 0

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Today started off pretty poorly. As I mentioned in my previous journal entry, I drank a bit and got stoned last night. This caused me to wake up late this morning so I am wide awake at 12:00 AM tonight.

I did not smoke any pot or drink today. I ate a couple of healthy meals and kept busy. Around 10pm this night I got a little bit depressed and went for a walk around my neighborhood. The fresh air definitely helped. I stopped in at a pub and met a cute girl, I didn’t drink while there and beat the local bar pro at darts.

I have been focusing a lot of time on exploring my addiction. I am still on the phase of documenting the toll it is taking on my life, my next step will be to proactively conquer my addiction.

I wrote a post today about the negative effect of marijuana and relationships. I struggled with low self esteem for from about age 16-21, until I started smoking pot. Pot gave me friends and a nice bubble reality to exist in. There were plenty of smokers, and the bond found in the weed circle was comforting at that time. I am going to dig deeper into the self-esteem and marijuana connection on another day. Time to read a book and head to bed!

Days Sober: 1

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This is Part #3 of a 4 part series on my reason to quit smoking weed.

As seen in Part 1, and Part 2 I believe that it is a great idea to create an inventory of all of the reasons that I want to quit smoking weed. This servers 2 purposes: To clarify the negative effects of marijuana addiction in my life, and to use as a reference guide when I crave smoking pot, and think about relapsing.
The Negative Effects of Marijuana on my Relationships:

Friendships: Most of the people I associate are stoners, or smoke pot sometimes. Because so much of my life is lived whilst stoned, it is easiest to associate with people that enable me to get high. I also turn down or spoil friendships because I don’t call people back or check my messages on a regular basis. Being stoned is a comfort bubble, as long as you exist within that bubble, the rest of the world can wait. Marijuana is the common theme of most of my friendships, very few get deeper than that.

Commitments: Because weed effects my short term memory so much, I am often late or forget about commitments that I should honor. I also do not like to commit to any regular or scheduled activity, because it may interfere with my ability to smoke pot and get high.

Girlfriends: I went through a period of hiding the fact that I smoked weed from my girlfriends. It always backfired. Every relationship I have had or attempted has been negatively affected by my smoking. For example, multiple times I have left a date early to go smoke pot alone, or have my mind on getting high rather than paying attention to the person I am with. I can also be very quiet and introverted while high on marijuana, so it makes it difficult to maintain conversations, sometimes even eye contact. Basically, I resent that a girlfriend interferes with my unrestricted access to smoking marijuana, and the mental and emotional state of being high.

Family: I am lucky to have a family that does not demonize marijuana. They are unaware of the extent of my addiction and I feel ashamed of it. I always thought that there were great expectations for me (from both family and myself) that haven’t been met because of my chronic marijuana addiction.

Conversation: I consider myself to be a well-spoken articulate person – when sober. Sometimes my memory gets so bad I forget what I was saying, the word I wanted to say, or I mispronounce a word. If I am itching for weed, my mind is elsewhere and I may space out and not pay attention to the other half of the conversation. I am not as sharp, while high, as I am when sober.

Social Anxiety and Paranoia: When I am in public and stoned, I think I hear people talking about me and laughing at me sometimes. Even though I know this not to be the case, I get quite anxious and embarrassed. I struggle to make eye contact with people when I am baked, and am more likely to introvert myself and my thoughts, body language, and actions. I would never go and chat up a group of girls while stoned – I could do it sober far more easily. I also get anxious about driving, about smelling like pot around coworkers and the general public. I also worry about coworkers, friends, and family knowing about how bad I crave pot, and how much of a stoner I am. No 6 year old says “I want to grow up to be pothead”.

See Also

How to Quit Smoking Marijuana

Part 1 Physical Reasons to Quit Marijuana 

Part 2 Psychological Reasons to Quit Marijuana

Part 4 Financial Reasons to Quit Marijuana

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I smoked again today. I took a couple of hits of a pipe from a friend of mine. I had a couple of pints of beer in me that probably affected my judgment. The circumstances are remarkably similar to my last relapse. I still have not purchased any marijuana or smoked it alone, so I am making significant forward progress. I am gaining will power every day and starting to unravel the habitual pattern I have been in for the last 7 or so years. I still have a bunch of work ahead of me.

Thanks to everyone for their support and comments. I have to wrap up Part 3 of my Reasons to Quit series. Whenever I write, I stay on track and motivated.

Peace.

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New Blog Design

by admin on November 26, 2007 · 0 comments

in Personal Experience, Uncategorized

Hey All,

For those of you who are returning guests, I have changed the look of the blog. The last template I was using was not flexible enough for me. When I get some money, I may contact the original designer to see if he is willing to modify the old template for me and the additional things I need.

Things are going very well today, I found a roach in my room, and threw it away! I did so immediately before I could change my mind.

I will follow up at the end of the evening.

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Marijuana on the BrainThis is Part #2 of a 4 part series on Reasons to Quit Marijuana.

As stated in Part 1, I believe that it is a great idea to create an inventory of all of the reasons that I want to quit smoking weed. This servers 2 purposes: To clarify the negative effects of marijuana addiction in my life, and to use as a reference guide when I crave smoking pot, and think about relapsing.

The Negative Psychological Effects of Marijuana:

Motivation: Smoking pot heavily makes me super lazy. I struggle to get the most basic tasks, like housework done on time. I was always a procrastinator, but smoking pot and being a procrastinator is a horrible combination. This has been called A-motivational syndrome. I need to focus some research on a motivational syndrome.

Concentration: I can’t get in, and stay in ‘the zone’ very well when I am high on marijuana. I am become easily distracted and struggle to get tasks finished. I used to be able to work for hours without noticing the time go by. I now glance at the clock every few minutes and work feels like more a chore than way I have been sober for a few days or more. Sometimes I fade out when people are talking to me and I begin to daydream, or just shut down altogether. This had never been an issue in the past.

Memory Lapses: I forget things. Wallet, Keys, clothing, important dates, birth dates, names of people I was just introduced to, or the fact that I was just introduced to them. Smoking marijuana seems to affect my ability to transfer thoughts or ideas from short term – to long term memory.

Stress: Forgetting things, being late, falling behind, and being anxious and paranoid all of the time is stressful. I am sure you know what I do to relieve the stress. This really is a vicious cycle. I also have to hide this part of my life from coworkers and family which can cause a of stress as well. There is also the fear of being busted by the police, going to jail, or having to deal with sketchy dealers. I don’t like people to know I am stoned in public, so I stress out if I think they do know.

Mood Swings: There is the joy of scoring, and rolling up a fresh spliff, the anxiety of almost being out of weed, the anger and frustration of not being able to find a hookup and many other rollercoaster rides. There is an emotional high knowing you are going to get high, and a low after you are high, knowing you don’t want to do it anymore. I sometimes feel empty when I can’t find anything and am completely out of pot.

Depression: For me, I feel depressed because I eat terribly, break promises to myself, and am highly stressed when trying to maintain an addiction and normal life. When I fall behind and procrastinate, I feel like shit. Keeping busy is the best way for me to break this mindset. When I eat well, exercise and don’t smoke, I feel great. I am usually a positive person, and make sure that my inner monologue is positive as well.

Anger: I feel angry when I am not in control of when, where, and how I smoke weed. I also feel angry and anxious if I have weed, but am doing an activity other than smoking it. This has been a struggle in relationships when I would rather get out of bed, and get stoned, than cuddle up with someone for the rest of the night. I have resented people for interfering with my addiction.

See Also 

How to Quit Smoking Marijuana

Part 1 Physical Reasons to Quit Marijuana 

Part 3 Reasons to Quit Marijuana – Relationships

Part 4 Financial Reasons to Quit Marijuana

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Today was a good day for me. I didn’t smoke today, nor have I felt cravings. I read that the 4th days is the hardest, and I only made it to day 3.

I slept in way too late today. It is close to midnight and I am not very tired. This used to be a resolved by smoking myself to sleep – I hope to get about 4 hours tonight, power through my Monday, then hit the sack early. I am hoping to line up a couple dates this week – so that should keep me busy and focused on being healthy!

I wrote my first post on reasons for quitting today. This was a useful exercise and I recommend it to anyone. It is very motivating. Just keeping up with this site has been a huge benefit for me and keeping me focused on my goals.

Days Sober: 1

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