Hello everyone, I quit smoking pot.
It has been a long time since my last blog update, although have been dropping in and posting on the forums. It has been close to 1o months since I began my voyage to rid myself of my marijuana addiction, and it has been quite a ride. I haven’t smoked anything in the last 3 months and am beginning to experience a new feeling of freedom and confidence.
I’ll be honest folks, I really struggled when I first tried to quit smoking. I knew that if I persisted, I would be succesfull. I don’t think that I can define success in the long run – just that each day that I choose not to smoke is a positive one.
I have kept myself very busy during the last 3 months – one of the things that I spent a huge amount of time on was researching marijuana addiction, withdrawal, and struggles facing people like you and I. I will continue to update the site with the best knowledge, help and guidance I can find.
When I started, I didn’t really have a map to help me through the quitting process. Each hiccup along the way was unexpected and stressful. I truly believe that making a plan is a key step to the quitting process. I was lucky enough to stumble upon Gary Evans, the Cannabis Coach and his audio series “The Easy Quit Marijuana Audio Program”. This audio set gave me the plan and motivation to follow through with my goal and remain “weed free” for 3 months now. The first day that I quit, I set the day aside to listen to the entire program, and for a week after, I would listen to it in my car, and when walking in the evening (I highly recommend rigorous exercise in the first few days of quitting). I continue to listen to some sections of the program, like the 6 step method, to reinforce my resolve and behavior.
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I Quit Like Last Year
Hey guys,
I find myself in the same boat as everyone who has posted above me. Lets see… Started smoking and drinking around the age of 17, I am 23 right now. Started off smoking just on weekends but gradually increased my consumption until I was smoking multiple times a day. For me, weed is a way to put a sort of force field of numbness around me so nothing can touch me or upset me. I will isolate in my room, smoke, and play video games. Video games and weed go hand in hand, because when I do both at the same time it is pretty impossible for me to think about any of the substantial issues going on in my life that have the propensity to scare me. I used to be a straight A student that got into one of the best colleges in the nation, but now I am a pathetic shut-in who has dropped out of 3 schools so far. I now work part time at a sandwich shop while all of my friends from high school have graduated and are passing me by. I am just filled with such sorrow at what my life has become. If I were to look at my future self when I was around 15 I wouldn’t even believe what I was seeing. I have been in and out of rehab, AA, NA, and I just cant seem to figure this thing out. I really want to quit smoking, but every time I do there is this hole inside of me that grows and grows until I have to light up again. I have let my Mom, Dad, Brother, and friends down, and I feel absolutely horrific. The terrible part is, the worse I feel, the more I want to shut myself in my room with a blunt and my damn computer games. I have thrown away the last 6 years of my life, and I know it. I am so resentful towards myself that I can’t even look people in the eye. The main issue that I have been having is that I still want to be able to go out and party and drink as a 23 year old male, but that inevitably leads me back to the greenery. I feel like I am in a catch 22; that I am fucked when smoking, and fucked when sober. This is the hardest thing that I have ever dealt with in my life, and I honestly am not sure if I have the courage to do the right thing. It breaks my heart to see my parents, because they know exactly what is going on with me. If I dont beat this thing it will beat me, I just hope I can pull through.
I’m here again…
I posted over a year ago on the 28th of Feb when I first gave up smoking weed. I had been clean for over a year, but sure enough once I got back to my old hometown with my same group of friends the bongs reappeared. Over the last few weeks I started to smoke more and more, got myself a new bong, another dealer, the whole nine yards. Then I realised something, I was starting to feel like the same, sorry, hopeless person that I was a couple of years ago when I was a fully fledged stoner. FUCK THAT, I’m not going through that shit again. Depression, constant angst and paranoia, mood swings, chest infections. All to get high sitting at home by myself and achieving nothing. I’ve cut it short this time, I’ve got ride of my bud and my bong, and I’m so fucking glad for it.
I’ve come to realise something after almost getting back into this horrible habit. All the while when I’m smoking weed I think I’m loving it, sitting there watching TV shows I’ve seen 3 times before and browsing aimlessly on the web with this amazing feeling that I can just always have another cone if I want. But I’m not really loving it. Every minute is grueling as I literally just try it fill in the time till I go to sleep with cones and doing pointless shit. I was so worried that when I tried to stop smoking again I’d have trouble sleeping, that I’d be itching to smoke weed again and pull myself away from the world – but that’s not the case. You see, the hardest part (for me) about giving up this stupid green plant is the fear of those things, the fear that it’s going to be so hard not to indulge, that I will lay awake for hours without the marijuana sedative, that I will be so bored at home if I am not constantly stoned. I’m so glad to have figured out that all those things are binary opposites of the truth. I sleep better, eat better, and enjoy my own company so much more when I am not a regretful stoner. Sure being high is a great feeling, but being a stoner is not.
To all the people who have posted here (or plan to) with negative comments discussing marijuana addiction, I ask you to abstain from posting. That’s not for what this page was intended, and it helps no-one. Good for you if you feel no emotional connection to pot as a drug, others do, and it can and does change people. You might not have the physical symptoms of someone kicking heroin, but marijuana is not the innocent criminal people make it out to be. It separates people from the world they live in, and the people around them, it makes people think and feel different every moment of every day, and the depression that can be associated with it is nothing short of agonising. I had always through of depression as a falsity. I think back to a year or two ago when I was in the depths of it, and I feel so sorry for that person. It was simply horrible, everything irritates you, you feel so confused and sad, you can go from being happy and content to banging your head against a wall and crying in a matter of seconds. You feel so alone. It’s not how life needs to be, and if it means not smoking weed to avoid that – I can’t think of an easier way to give yourself a second chance. If you feel the way I described, stop smoking today, rid yourself of every pot related item you own. 24 hours of sobriety later, congratulate yourself, because you’ve made it through what it truly hardest part of the battle. Wait a week, and notice how much better you feel, give it a month and the stoner you once were will seem like a different person, just like I’m sure the “person” you were before you started smoking does. It’s all worth it. There are so many fucking incredible things and experiences to be seen and had in this world, don’t settle for marijuana over the rest!
5 days clean, i smoked every day of my life for 10 years, so if i can do it anyone can, just do it cold turkey and keep yourself busy and anything in life is possible…
I used to smoke it all the time to. Mainly as a social activity with my friends. half the group stopped and half the group kept smoking it. so it produced a split in the group, it was strange to think that pot was what was keeping the group together. Since then, I’ve found that life is more that you create for yourself. thank you for the blog
I’m 23 and been smoking since I was 16. Every single day, at least twice, mostly 3 times a day. I always tried to quit, but would always find an excuse for myself to just get 1 more bag (or half in my case). Well I quit cold turkey 3 days ago, I know it’s not a long time, but I have had no desire to smoke these last 3 days. I finally made up my mind that it’s not for me. I used to have many things that I used for my marijuana, and I decided to get rid of all the things. I almost hesitated to get rid of it all, but I just went for it, threw it all away, and now I feel great. I have so much more energy then I used to, and I feel free. Free from the paranoia, the guilt, and just the wasteful lifestyle I was living. I know that I’m smart and all weed was doing was holding me back, I’m ready to start living my life weed free, I hope everyone else can keep strong, good luck to all.
Feel it’s nessecary to tell my story. I’m 18 years old, i’ve been smoking weed everyday for almost 3 years now, blazing ATLEAST once a day. Honestly it never had a big negative inpact in my life. At the begining I kept it just to myself, never told anyone about it (exccept for my stoner buddies ofcourse) – and as I smoked more and more, it just didn’t bother me that people knew. Eventually the school principal gathered information and called my parents about it, never knew that they would be so shocked and dissapointed, this happened 2 times.
And I persisted to keep smoking on, keeping in mind my parents thought I was done with it (so it made it O.K to smoke again). Now one week ago the same story, somehow the principal found out, and informed my parents
(5 days clean now) This has honestly been the hardest week of my life, non-stopping outburst of tears, eating disorder and mixed emotions. What motivated me the most was the look in my mothers face when she found out for the third time, the shouting and crying really made me realize how seriously she didn’t want this to happen to me, I could see she was really broken. She said a few things to me that really really hurt me, and that just makes the deppresion worste. What really makes things dufficult to quit .. is the MEMORIES. I just can’t let go of them, they will just always be here with me. For example the music, the movies ect ( you guys know what I mean
)
Smoking weed grew apart of me in these few years, it’s almost a spiritual matter I would say. I just can’t imagine all my years in the future without weed, it doesn’t sound realistic to me.
Just guess I have to make the best of it.
And thanks a million for the posts, you guys made me open my eyes. You are all very insperational.
Alright, I read everything on this site. I am a current 2-4 gram a day smoker and I have been smoking since 17, I’m 28 now. If my dealer didn’t owe me a 1/8 I would quit today. I have a kid on the way, I’m moving to the opposite coast, and my job tests. I am NOT looking forward to quitting but I am looking forward to having quit.
I will post back here once I start.
Too late, shortly after my first post I left work and met my dealer for the 3.5 he owed me. He gave it to me and promised me more is coming for my inconvinience. Cool so now I have the 8th and prolly another 8th coming (we’re cool like that). So I guess I’ll quit when I finish that?
two months no weed, what took me so long? I’m done with the crap, don’t know anyone that has done well in life with weed especially those that are chronics. I pray that they will see the light. Perhaps I can teach by example. It’s not hard just a bad habit. choose life and clean lungs. Live long and laugh more. good luck.
I was an addict for 33 years, I have been straight for 4.5 years now. I was a high-functioning addict, only my other stoner friends knew. I grew my own, very strong pot. When I moved, I had to buy pot again and spent $800/month on it! I needed a hit every 2 hours or so. I got up an hour early just to be able to smoke and get “relaxed” before my day started. I began to wheeze. Make my own oil because pot wasn’t strong enough anymore. I just decided one day enough was enough and quit, cold turkey, probably about the 4th or 5th time in my life. Marijuana addiction is real. thanks for this blog. I still cannot be around it, I still love the smell of it. The weirdest thing I’ve noticed since quitting is that I dream more…..a lot more……and weird dreams at that. I now use other methods to cope with the stress of life……..you can too! Thanks for listening
i love the honesty of this blog. i feel like thanking you for posting everything on here because alot of people are probably afraid to admit they have a weed problem. i hate how other people who smoke think that others who feel they experience issues with their weed use are basically considered pussies or cant handle their shit. everyones different. ive cut down majorly on my smoking, not because i want to quit or anything, but probably more of a money saving tactic. i really feel the depression and anxiety alot when im not smoking and its horrible. ive also been diagnosed with depression in the past too so i definately know what it feels like. i wish it were controllable but its not. it feels like an enormous weight on your shoulders and i feel no reason to smile… ever. discovering this site however makes me feel alot better knowing that others may be in the same boat. (especially reading about the detox symptoms) i was totally in shock when i saw that i experienced every single one of these symptoms. i spent the majority of 2011 high as fuck in the clouds and then i quit cold turkey for only TWO WEEKS suddenly feel super depressed and introverted and honestly a lot more bitchy. i couldnt believe it when it said a withdrawal symptom was night sweats either! i thought i was seriously ill! but anyways, i simply just want to say thanks and i think youre wonderful for creating this site.
Hello I just wanted to say that after reading through your site I’ve found out that there are a lot of people in the same boat as I am .I’m 32 and have been smoking weed nearly 20 years and even the thought of giving it up scares me but using your tips I’m going to give it a try I’ve set a date and now I’m trying to get into the right frame of mind my problem is I tried before and I found I was very aggrives to people just the smallest thing would happen and I’d lose it all together .has anyone else faced this problem and how did they deal with it
Granted, it’s only been a few days without any weed but a few days more than i’d normally be able to do.. Just the tho of not having it would send my mind into a spin.. I approached the doctors 6wk ago and said i wanted to stop smoking (not telling them i smoked a weed) and asked to be put on some tablets called Champix that i’d heard some very good reports about.. Champix removes the receptors in the brain that tell you your wanting the next cig and is a 12wk course, 1 in the morning at 0.5mg for the 1st wk and then introducing the evening tablet from the 2nd wk.. Then you move upto 1mg and stay there for the duration of the course..
I have to admit that the 1st 6wk i was still smoking a weed even tho after the 1st wk i had quit smoking cigs.. I also believe will power has alot to do with it, because this time i feel i’ve been the most determined about really wanting to quit rather than just saying it because i know it’s the right thing to say if you get my drift..
Even tho it has only been a few days (3 to be exact) i have no desire to pick up my box and make a doobie, i have the box in draw with weed, rizzla and tobacco all waiting to be put together but no desire to do it.. This is definately a turning point for me..
I also started at the gym on fri after going in and being totally honest about my situation which made a massive difference too.. She’s very supportive and pleased i was honest so she could set me the right challenge.. For this i am so greatful because i know it’s also helping..
Fingers crossed this is a turning point for me and i’ll keep you posted but please all do bear in mind the tablets i referred to.. They definately work and do exactly what they say on the box..
One other thing i’d like to add before i go is that, on my other times of stopping smoking which was a serious concern to me this time round was that i have hurrendous nightmares for 4/5days when i’ve quit in the early days of smoking a weed.. I’m talking take your worst nightmare and times it by ten thats’ how bad they were.. But, this time round, i’ve had no nightmares what so ever, only funny dreams which are quite pleasing on waking up.. Just abit of positive for ya all..
So i’m thinking of giving up…again. I quit 10 years ago for about 7 years, then started again, my wife kinda walked in while i was skinning up… I dunno, maybe she’s right, but i love weed, it relaxes me, makes me think straight, but i do smoke everyday, it never used to be this much, but I never smoke in the day, after work, at night, alone, never drive, lets seee.
Hello i have quit smoking pot for 2 and a half months now and i was dealing with practically all the symptoms you guys have listed here. The only 2 symptoms that haven’t gone away is lack of apatite and being able to sleep a full 6 hours without waking up several times a night. I seen a few posts of people recommending sleeping pills so i tried taking them but its not helping. its getting to the point now where im taking 3 to 4 sleeping pills and still not being able to sleep.(the amount a 200lbs person should take i only weigh 145lbs) I have recently quit taking the sleeping pills where i feel they are worse then the drug i’m trying to get away from. Is there any other options i have with both apatite and sleep? I have tried everything and can’t keep this up much longer. It’s getting to the point where my grades are suffering. I maintained a 3.8gpa while smoking pot and it has currently dropped to a 2.0. Is there anyway i can help myself focus on my school work and my job for that matter as well?(the pot made me able to focus more on my work. i got a short attention span
)
I really want to quit for good but its starting to feel like its effecting my life in a more negative way not smoking : ( any suggestions would be greatly appreciated thank you in advance for your time.
Oh and people that say to drink alcohol. I just quit drinking 3 months ago. I believe I have an addictive personality so i’m trying to get rid of all my vices. I believe quitting pot to start drinking is just trading a vice for a vice. I don’t think that’s progress. I don’t need anybody to tell me that pots not addictive that’s not why i’m here. I’m here for support and suggestions to get through this so don’t waste your time telling me its not addictive because i truly believe it all depends on the individual
Hey guys, it’s my 4th day today without smoking, after 15 years. I’m brazilian, and i’m glad i can speak english,vbecause there is no such websites in portuguese and there is also no MA here… So websites and foruns like this one is all i have apart fron the help of some friends… Thank you for sharing! I have stopped with late night non stop munchies and have been dreaming a lot! i just would like some help on the anxiety, do you think something like zyban would help? I know natural stuff would be better, but at night it gets so hard, specially to get to sleep… Oh, and I have gone back to exercising which is amazing and essential, I dare say… what do you think? Thanx or, in portuguese: obrigada!
Today is my 77th day of abstinence and I wont lie, it’s been a really hard struggle to get to this point. I am a 45 yr old professional woman and I smoked marijuana for 20+ years every day, and for the past 10 years it was morning, noon and night (I wouldn’t even contemplate having my morning shower until I’d had my first joint). I wouldn’t leave the house for work until I’d had 2 more. It was part of my routine and unthinkable to not have it in my life.
For those that might think at the start, ‘oh it’s just weed, it can’t be that hard to stop smoking’, most of you who have embarked on this journey have probably found that it’s not actually that easy at all. I wasn’t prepared for any withdrawal symptoms other than possibly not being able to get to sleep for the first week, so when I got fairly bad anxiety during week one some research led me to this sight which has helped me enormously and has given me the tools to carry on. Reading other people’s stories has enabled me to be strong by hearing the courage and the pain that so many of you have gone through and to come out the other side and be finally free.
Thankfully the feeling of anxiousness subsided after about 4 days, but the biggest problem I’ve had is insomnia, it has virtually torn me apart. I have had weeks of only 2-3 hours a night which severely affected my general day to day well being, my work, my concentration etc…and being self-employed that has had an impact on my business. During week 4, I managed to persuade my doctor to give me a weeks’ worth of sleeping pills which gave me a few nights of welcome relief but I don’t believe substituting one drug for another is the answer, I think we have to go through the agony in order to clean out our systems properly to come out the other side and then keep away from relying on foreign chemicals (whether it be THC or tranquillisers) to help us function ‘normally’. Needless to say after my prescription had finished I reverted back to 2-3 hours and this has definitely been my biggest hurdle. I am relieved to say though, that after about 10 weeks of sleep deprivation it is now slowly returning to a better pattern. Despite these withdrawal symptoms however, it has been absolutely the best decision I’ve made for myself. As much as I LOVE getting stoned it was governing my life, I was procrastinating in every area, everything important was dealt with ‘tomorrow’ (which often took weeks to get around to), and I pretty much survived in a fog which became my totally normal reality.
My brain is now wide awake, my short term memory is so much better, and I am doing things I would normally put off for months or not do at all. Yes it can be really boring, yes there are times when I would kill for a spliff to relax and wind down, there are times when I get snappy and impatient, low and depressed BUT despite all of this I am now functioning properly and am making much better use of my time. I am still in the early stages of being clean, 11 weeks is hardly anything compared to the 20 years of my previous addiction but I’m taking each day as it comes and with each one, I get stronger and think about it less. All I can say to those of you who are struggling with giving up, keep at it. The difficult times WILL pass and the sense of pride you will feel for being strong can be extremely rewarding and will help you to carry on…
I’m on day 16 without smoking weed and I must say, it’s going much better than anticipated. I smoked daily for 19 years and never really thought I would ever quit. I still think about it every day and have the occasional urge to smoke but it soon passes and then I am proud of myself for staying strong. Anxiety the first week was pretty extreme. I couldn’t eat at all and just felt like crying. Thankfully, after a couple of days I was able to eat a meal and came to the realization that I really don’t need weed to eat after all! This was a BIG revelation for me as it was my main excuse for smoking pot….other than the fact that I just really, really liked it. I am dreaming a lot more now but I can’t say that I’m enjoying that part. They are mostly nightmares and leave me feeling all weird and confused when I wake up. Not used to remembering my dreams or dreaming at all, for that matter. The anxiety has subsided and I feel like I’m well on my way to recovery. I’m so confident, in fact, that I sometimes think I can smoke casually and be just fine. I think that is the addict talking though. I did something I probably shouldn’t have done and that is hook up a friend who called for weed. To my surprise, I was able to go pick up a sack for him without any major urge to relapse. I told me hookup to NOT let me smoke as I have made the decision to quit. Since I have been going to him for years, he knew my personal struggles to quit and was super supportive of my decision. He said that he would rip the bong or joint out of my hand if he saw me with one. I thought that was nice of him…considering he was losing around $100 a month from me. I was a loyal customer and drove 30 miles each way just to buy from him. I live in So. Cal so that wasn’t really necessary as I could probably buy it in my own neighborhood. Anyway, my point to this post is to let you guys know that it is possible to quit and that if I can do it, anyone can. I was absolutely, 100% addicted. It controlled my life and everything I did. Couldn’t do a single thing without smoking first. For those of you going through this struggle, just stay strong. Every time you get that craving to smoke, it is not a weakness. It is an opportunity to show your strength! Believe that you can, and you will!
I smoked daily for a few years and had some trouble stopping, but it is not an addiction. It doesn’t correspond with the MEDICAL definition of addiction.
I just found something to distract me when I had cravings.
And guess what? Every few months or so, although it’s been a year now, I take a puff or two! I enjoy it so much more than I did from smoking daily. I meditate and enjoy my life in a different way, not a better way.
There is a cannabis habit, as there can be with anything.
But to call it addiction is incorrect.
First time I ever smoked was in 7th grade. By high school I smoked at least three times a week, sophomore year everyday, not much later all day everyday. Joint in the am hit the gym joint on the way to school leave at lunch then all night after school. I went from playing basketball everyday starting for varsity 6ft tall dunking on ppl all day ( and I’m pretty white lol ) to quitting the team junior year of high school. Senior year is a blur of drinking smoking weed, cigs, and I nice cocaine bender that lasted 6 months, selling a pound or two a week throwing all that money back into the fucked up cycle just to be a “popular” kid. Well I graduated high school..surprisingly…. June 2008 and was arrested 9 days later with 3 oz bunch of money scale cocaine residue whole 9 yards…lucky me.. Illegal search and seizure all charges dropped..well while I was out on bail waiting for this arrest to be cleared I continued selling weed and smoking it. 9 days before my case was about to be thrown out I was arrested again. Funny thing this time is that I was a passenger in a car with less then an eighth on me which was personnel use.. Never left home without a slice lol. Anyway I get the book thrown at me.. Sentenced 3 months in jail 2 yrs probation I learn that I impregnated my girlfriend before I went in. I get out clean and sober 90 days but now i have to be able to support the growing boy inside my wifey. Well now I have a misdemeanor for possession on my record and can’t find a job anywhere.. So what do I do? I start grabbing again 2 lbs a week making really good money. Plus my probation officer was deployed in iraq for a year and i was released early from probation for never failing a drug test.. well i would have failed miserably if they ever once tested me
My son is born 6 months later. I finally quit selling 2 months after he was born when my fathers construction company picked up and I got a job with him. Didn’t quit smoking pot until my son was 18 months old and the wifey was 7 months prego with our daughter… I finally stopped feb 17 2012. I wanted better for my family. I went and got a class A CDL be able to support my family without daddy’s help or food fucking stamps. Misdemeanor comes back and bites me in the ass misdemeanor has to be 5 years old. Picked up the pipe in october. Jokes on me..now it’s dec 8 2012 my son is 2yrs 9 months young and my daughter is 7 months young. My 23 bday is coming up in afew weeks..my wifey doesn’t like the person I have become she actually doesn’t want anything to do with me and regrets ever meeting me.mMy daughters first Christmas and my sons second..and we have a broken family. Unemployed since November 18th. I didn’t smoke today tho, and I won’t tomorrow. Pretty ridiculous that it takes so much damage to finally see what needs to be done.. Hopefully it’s not too late. Thank you
Seven days
Yes, it’s been seven days since I smoked pot.
That’s a lifetime for me because I have been smoking since 1982 on a daily basis, never wanting or feeling the need to stop for over thirty years.
I know why I started using and how I became addicted. I felt like smoking was ‘cool’ and by using drugs I was accepted more by my peers.
My addiction started the first month I tried it and seemed at the time like everyone smoked pot and was no different than a person who can’t stop excessive eating, knowing they have a problem, but not doing anything about it but manufacturing excuses and reasons on why it’s acceptable, even when your addiction and life keeps getting deeper and deeper into the gutter.
Even if I am able to keep my addiction at bay for the rest of my life for the next twenty years, I will still have smoked pot for half my life.
I smoked to stay away from reality and my shortcomings as a person. I used pot to satisfy my cravings and for not being able to handle the reality of life.
Never did I ever feel that marijuana was interfering with the life I should have lived, but that is because I was never sober to know better.
When you are constantly under the influence, reality never comes into the picture and living a lie becomes your life.
When I was young and single with no responsibility, I couldn’t see a reason why I couldn’t smoke until the day I died. I always used the same, lame excuse that pot is all natural and doesn’t hurt anybody. I actually thought that it HELPED me with life and as we all know, that is simply not the case.
It disrupted my life with everyone I knew and I wouldn’t or couldn’t accept that clear and simple fact, even though it stared me in the face every single day. It always came down to the other people had the problem not me, that if they didn’t like that I smoked pot that they didn’t need to be a part of my life.
There wasn’t a job that I didn’t get high before work, during lunch and even breaks. If there was a way, I certainly found it and exploited it as long as I could and try to justify the abuse to stress or being a better employee.
The people that love and care for you won’t tell you that you have a problem, because it’s a losing battle to try and tell an addict that they are an addict. When I knew there was a problem with my use, I blamed others for my addiction. From my parents to my siblings to people I haven’t seen since high school. I never stood up and confessed that the only one to blame was me and if anyone was to stop this madness it came down to one person, the person who uses and abuses drugs.
Why I quit cold turkey
I have no wife, no life and no future, what else is there to say?
After twenty years of marriage to the best woman I ever met and loved the most in my life, left me all alone, so I could no longer drag my family down a very slippery path that addicts follow.
She had enough of my not working, not listening, not compromising, not taking her serious, not realizing her frustration with my illicit use and for treating my son like he was the addict. She had enough of being embarrassed, ashamed and devastated by my drug use. She didn’t like the fact that I wouldn’t socialize with anyone or invite acquaintances to our home unless they too were pot smokers.
She knew I was never going to stop and our problems with money and paying bills on time or at all wasn’t going to ever cease until I woke up to reality and the only way, was to let me to figure it out in an empty house.
She wanted more in life than working long and hard her entire life only to have zero to show for it but a drug addicted husband that used every excuse on earth why he continues to smoke, but never came up with a reason to stop. She knew that her life was worth more than spending it alone with an addict without having any friends or family.
She deserved what any woman wanted, a husband that would stand up to his responsibilities like real men do regarding their family obligations.
Being high on a daily basis does nothing but causes damage to the family. My son had to figure out why his dad was in the garage every two hours and coming back in the house smelling like a skunk, only to start smoking pot as he grew older because his father did and his mother didn’t seem to mind.
My addiction caused my wife to lie about me and what I did for a living, because I wasn’t the man that other women had as a productive, responsible spouse and parent.
Nothing is more embarrassing or hurtful than when the woman you love the most looks at you with such disgust and resentment that you try your best to ignore the way she REALLY feels about you, but you know she feels that way deep inside. She didn’t want to kiss me or make love to me, but would do so, because she felt it was her obligation to do so as my wife.
Why did it take her to leave me to finally figure it out?
Because she realized that was the only way it was going to happen, nothing else was going to do it, but it took her much too long to finally pull the plug and get on with her life without a drug addict that treated her like crap.
The years she wasted on waiting for me to get with the program is remarkable and a testament to her resolve. The guilt and shame that I feel right now on how I treated our marriage and my son is unbearable to the point that even though she is never coming back, I will never put another person in that position again ever in my life.
Suicide came into my thoughts, but like everything else in my life up to this point, is too easy and completely gutless and irresponsible.
There is no possible way that I can ever make right to my family what I have done for the last twenty years in any way, shape or form, but what I can do is live my next twenty years the way I should have lived my life BEFORE ever smoking pot and that is what I intend to do until the day I die, God willing.
I realize that is easier said than done, but all I have to do is look at the past and see all the damage that I did to the people that mean the most to me and that is all the validation I need to continue.
Don’t feel sorry for me, I am the one that did this to myself and everyone I loved the most. Nobody is to blame and all I need to do is look into the mirror and see the person that ruined not only his life, but the life of his family.
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